A few days ago, our travels in and around the Duchy in the Onemobile were an adventure in themselves. Within the space of 20 minutes, the One was cut off in the middle of heavy moving traffic by an airport limousine crossing to turn left, then by a taxi cutting in to traffic, and then, sat at an intersection behind some subhuman who clearly was unaware of the function of the little stick on the steering column - not the windshield wiper; the other one that makes the little lights on either side of the car flash. Along with the preceding lengthy sentence, it was enough to make His/Her Oneness hyperventilate. Our traffic experience was not one of the calming variety, nor, sadly, was it unique.

Given the burgeoning number of oafs on our highways and byways we feel the best way to calm traffic will be to provide every driver with a shotgun and the right to shoot any driver who they feel has broken the rules of the road. Our team of researchers, led by the oft-quoted Dr. Alan Smithee, has identified several benefits that will accrue, namely: (continued...) »

As we ponder some of the events of the past little while, our mind turns toward the recent "conviction" of two young bucks to house arrest for speeding on Mount Pleasant at up to 140KPH, activity that ultimately resulted in the death of a father of and provider for a family.  House arrest that allows them to work and go to university, and a curfew that can be overridden by their parents.

How did Paris Hilton miss out on this one?

One would think, as The One does, that one would label the events of the night racing. However, some saw it as simply "driving too fast "

Let's see, two people, neighbours and friends, driving well over the speed limit up Mount Pleasant, in close proximity to each other......"a copy of the video game Need For Speed in one of the cars" according to CTV. Who won? Certainly not the father, a Pakistani taxi driver supporting his wife and family in hopes of bringing them here from Pakistan. We particularly like a defense lawyer's comment that "neither man was on drugs or alcohol when driving." Phew, we guess that makes it OK, then.

One could say they'll carry this burden for the rest of their lives - but this One thinks the burden the driver's family will carry won't be accompanied by a university education, cushy curfew, and "house arrest with school and jobs."

However, let's look on the sunny side! The event and its result opens the door to whole new realms of creativity in evading the consequences of one's actions. Let's look at how we could do this... (continued...) »

Having recently pulled our copy of the Toronto Sun from under our parrot, we see that Mark Bonkoski has once again been spouting wisdom, or what passes for it at the Sun, about our local Metronome Clinic.

Which in turn has released a flurry of consternation on the rogue Corktown e-list, relating once again to the surfeit of crime, and virtual torrent of all manner of bodily fluids, pointed objects and bad behaviour emanating from the patrons of said clinic.

Tabernouche! One would think, reading some of this, that the Gaping Gates of Hell were open and inhaling local residents in droves.

Surprisingly, this doesn't seem to be the case, at least as evidenced by the comments on the list, none of which seem to emanate from anyone living within several city blocks of the  offending establishment. Au contraire, our discussions with some residents within spitting (or whatever) distance from the clinic indicate although they may not like the idea of the clinic being here, the situation was, in fact, worse when that other demonic establishment, Street CIty, was in operation in the area.

Further, as both the Bonkster and various posters on the list have confirmed, few, if any actual factual incidents of any nature have been reported to the local constabulary, which makes it difficult to validate either side of the argument.

So, here's the challenge this week. (continued...) »

As a sunny spring weekend approaches, many of us fortunate enough to make our home here in the Duchy are thanking our stars we live here. And yet...

...as recently reported on the Corktown e-list - banished into the virtual wilderness by the last session of the Parliament of the Duchy - criminals surround our little Oasis by the Don like counterfeit jewels on the cheap necklace on Santa's Lost Ho. Their foul deeds envelope us in a panorama of perniciousness, a diorama of deviousness, a coruscating cornucopia of criminality, a simmering stew of sinfulness!

Yet, somehow, we survive.

How, The One wonders, is this possible? Why are we spared from this overflow of odiousness? How do we retain our will to live when, like a seamstress in a mortuary, we're hemmed in by death and despair?

"Why are we so lucky?"

Give us your answers!!